Today

Today, I will hold my head up and be okay. This is my pep talk for today. I will smile even when my face starts cracking. I will even smile at the lady who almost drove into me and then swore at me. I will stand tall and sit upright, with a focus that I do not have today. I will simulate togetherness. Why? 

Because I need to. We need to keep up appearances, see. We can't be broken in a broken world - no one would accept failure, honesty or hurt. No one will love you if you are not perfect. You have to put on your face and keep pushing. My mom used to tell me that the world doesn't stop because of your heartache or pain. Nothing else falls apart, except you. Oh and don't worry, when one thing goes wrong they all tend to spiral.

We have this strange compulsion to being what the world expects us to be. And even if we simulate it all perfectly, we still end up feeling like crap, because it is all just a simulation. Like a character in a fantasy game, or one in Days of Our Lives. Not real.

But what is real? Can we fake an emotion enough times and make it believable, or even real? Can we keep on faking and eventually believe what we've been faking? Can you get so tangled up in the masks you wear daily that you don't know which one isn't a mask?

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne

When will we start admitting that we are all shipwrecks? Of course you pitch up to work and you do what you're supposed to, and you paste a smile on your face cause nobody wants to look at a sour grape, but don't be someone you're not. Still be yourself. Don't simulate a character to live as, you are better than that. You have unique talents, ideas, experiences and thoughts? Contribute!

There's a difference between striving to be better and faking already being better.

Time

This morning while driving to work there was a really ambitious driver in the lane next to me. He was in his brand new sports car slipping in between lanes and still ending up right next to me at every intersection. In traffic it is impossible (or actually just very dangerous) to be overly ambitious. Eventually the sports car got his gap and sped towards his destination, finally getting a whole traffic light on me. While driving I thought about the sports car, but lo and behold not for long. One of the lanes up ahead started merging into another lane because of an accident up ahead, while driving slowly past the accident scene I saw my sports car friend standing next to his now very dented car. He had driven into someone's behind.

Sometimes I have impatient tendencies in traffic, but as the little sports car just reminded me again - nothing comes from rushing. After seeing his bad fortune I put my music a bit louder and danced to my beat, being thankful for this hour in my day that I don't have to do anything but drive and I don't have to be anyone except me.

Every hour of each day is so filled with have to's and need to's and get to's. You have 24 hours each day. suppose you have 7 hours sleep, 8 hours at work (plus lunch makes it 9), I travel to and from work that's another 2 hours gone, get ready for work in the morning for another hour (which is what it takes to be kind of awake and get ready) go to the gym in the afternoon (a very recent development in my calendar) for another hour. That is 20 hours right there that is gone. Now I still have to pray, eat, shower, and do chores. So what is left of life. Except the say 3 or 2 hours in the evening.

Most people use those 2 / 3 hours to stare at that electronic box that we created to waste time. We don't spend any quality time with those around us and those which we claim to love. What do you make and use your time for?

A wise person (I can't remember who) once said... Show me your diary and I'll show you what's the most important thing in your life.