Maybe

Maybe all men are a drug, and they can pick you up or make you crash so hard. That is my addiction, I think, the high. Feeling that someone might care, just a little or even a bit. I believe that the hardest thing to let go of is something you never truly had. That which was dangled just out of reach, teasing you, making you feel like you could love having that which you never felt you deserved. Love.

When do you stop, is it when you’ve tried everything you know you possibly can without giving your soul, or do you give that too? When have you done everything you can? How do you know when it is time to give up? Pack up and rebox yourself?

Pain is a funny thing. If you keep on smiling no one can see the scars on your soul, and if you keep on pretending, that which you feel will surely go away, will it not? How long do you have to pretend to be okay before you actually are? What is the point of all of this if we are meant to repress that which we feel, cause society wants you to smile through the tears on your soul and the cracks in your being.

If you cry and no one is there to comfort you, does it really matter? More importantly, do you really matter?

Scar-tissue

I realized this weekend just how much I enjoy being on my own. I will be happy on my own. It is not because I truly think I will be a more fulfilled happy person alone, but because I don’t think I am built for things falling apart around me. What if I fell in love, I liked it, started needing it and shaped my life around it and then it all just fell apart. I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of pain. I wouldn't be able to pick myself up and carry on. I am a strong person, but I do not love in halves – I love completely, with all I am in a stupid; ‘I love your music, I’ll cook you breakfast’ kind of way... this type of love creates scars in unexpected places, and those scars never properly heal. We carry them with us everywhere we go and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” - Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

If you keep your expectations from others to a minimum, you won’t be heartbroken and disappointed the whole time. It might sound very morbid, but it is true. If you depend on others you can expect heartache and failure, hell, even if you only depend on yourself, you can expect failure (significantly less though). We’re human, we’re broken and we live by mending, all our scars are road maps and diagrams that explain where we've been and where we are heading. They are lessons that we sometimes have to learn over and over again. We’re stubborn and stupid, hell-bent on surviving. But not only surviving, we want to achieve excellence, and be remembered for what we contributed. And we want to love and be loved back.

We all have enough scar tissue in our hearts to know that we should not simply love, trust or hope, because it hurts like hell. Some of us listen to the diagrams in our hearts. Others completely ignore it. I know that if I love I will get broken more, I avoid caring too much if at all possible, but sometimes it sneaks up on you from behind, and you wake up one morning realizing that you care too much for someone.

How do you now rectify that? How does one stop caring?

Meredith Grey said that losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is; Death ends. This? It could go on forever...

People

Have you ever sat down and thought about the most defining moments in your life so far? It normally isn't the big things that you thought would stand out - like the job you took, or the salary increase you got. It isn't the new neighborhood you moved to, or the car that you bought. These are all material things that have less of an impact on your overall character. It is the little things, that form you as a person, and it mostly involves people.

The people you meet and interact with has a much greater effect on you than you might care to realize. You need people, you were made for people and some people even need you. You have been made strong to be poured out, to live in community and to serve. Some people you’ll meet along your road are distractions others are there to point you in the direction you need to go and some need your direction. But you need to remember that not everyone you meet will finish with you, you might lose some along the way.

Someone had a quote on a social network of some or other a while ago that read: Some people can only stay in your heart and not in your life. That is a very difficult thing for me to put into action. I understand it, I agree with it, but I struggle to cut people out of my life. How do I know who needs to stay and who doesn’t?

How do you know who you need to serve and who is actually distracting you? Who is wasting your time? And also, how do you pour out completely, without losing yourself completely? If you love yourself and then love others as you love yourself, whom do you compromise?

I fear that sometimes the people I try to love, does not need it from me. That they would be far better off without me, or that I would be better off without them. Everyone hurts, has problems and niggles and giggles. Who decides which are real important? Who do you invest your time in and who do you pass on to the next person?

One of my best friends is a very destructive person, towards herself and to me. She seems to have little concept of reality. Every now and again we stop speaking for a while and after a couple of months we rekindle our friendship only for her to promise that she has changed and to apologize for her selfishness. It normally takes a month for her to fall back into her old ways. It hurts me every time, and I’ve lately started wondering if I am enabling her every time I forgive her? Should I now make the cut final? Should I keep on investing my time, energy and emotions?

How do you care for someone who only cares for themselves? But the other extreme is just as difficult – It is very hard to attach worth to someone who does not attach it to themselves. When people are so broken down that you literally have to build them up hug by hug and word for word. That person standing next to the road with his/her sign who looks like they have walked all the mountain roads in life – not for the scenery. People are like eggs, put them in boiling water and they’ll get rock hard, and if you leave them there long enough they will burst.

 "There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves; it is not my nature. My attachments are always excessively strong." - Jane Austen

I wrote most of this post a couple of days ago, I read it again today and changed a couple of things but I also had a realization. You know, one of those aha-moments. Assuming we are all trying to bring glory to our Creator (I try) – would we not want to do as Jesus had done? He had His 12 disciples. Jesus knew that they weren't perfect and also that some of them will betray and hurt Him, but He still invested His time and energy in them. I thus realize that no person is ever a waste of time. Invest yourself. People are eternal investments, even if they don’t end up finishing the race with you, impact as much as you can, where you can. I’m still not sure of all the other answers, but I think that if you see someone broken and you have the ability to help with repairs, you should.

Happy Ever After

What happens if happy ever after just isn't? How did they come op with the term? Why would one instance make you happy forever after that? We rely so much on our emotions and what we perceive to be happiness, would we even know what it is if it hit us in our faces?

I love fairy tales, with castles and princesses and a prince who just knows that that one girl is the person for them. They've forsaken all others and will be happy with that one single princess for the rest of their natural lives. Most of the Prince Charming's are interesting characters - not because they are so well developed in the story, but because of their complete and utter dedication to the cause of finding a wife, and not just any wife, that one special princess locked up in a tower, or fast asleep, or under curse by apple. Why so much drama to find your princess? No nice ordinary girls in your kingdom?

I think the reason that girls are so obsessed with fairy tales and stories about princesses is for exactly that reason, we want to believe that our true love is out there slaying dragons to find us and that he will walk through fire to be with us. We face a sad reality when we grow up. Most men aren't charming and they're definitely not knights in shining armor on a quest to rescue you. You'll have to rescue yourself, babe.

The reality of the matter is just that you might be swept off your feet by a charming man - only to realize that he has an ex and a past and he turns out to be a complete and utter ass. No one is unscarred by our modern civilization. Everybody hurts. Everybody pretends.

We give way too much of ourselves too soon and when we do find that one person, who might not be perfect, but he's everything you want, you've already given so much of yourself away to people who were curious about you but never really cared, that you have too little left to give and he's not interested in the little.

How do you convince someone that you will not add to their hurt, and how can you be sure you won't? Are we all just shipwrecks floating to the shore, maybe we'll bump into someone we kind of like along the way, but how can we be sure? How do you know when you have found what you've been looking for?

David

This morning my Bible study was about King David. He was a sinner and a saint. But he was also a hero.

Sometimes the true heroes aren't the supermen and women - they are the severely flawed ones who fall down time and time again, but also get back up - and those are the ones I most look up to. David is such a hero to me, he did absolutely amazing things for the Lord but he also fell down (hard) and his sins are written down for all the world to see and judge. Still he kept singing his song and praising the Lord.

"But you, O Lord, are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high." Psalm 3:3 (NLT).

David was the author of most of the Psalms, he wrote them with feeling and truth, but also with authenticity, remorse, regret, faith, love and hope. He wasn't afraid to admit how much he needed God and how fallible he was. He, the warrior who had slain Goliath and became King, admits to complete surrender to the Lord.

"I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:2 (NIV).

"And he said, The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence." 2 Samuel 22:2 - 3 (KJV).

Another amazing thing about David's story is how God uses his mistakes. Everybody knows the story of David and Bathsheba. They were punished for what they had done, but God forgave them and a second child was born to David and Bathsheba. This child was not a "loser" or "drop-out" but he became instead the wisest King to ever rule. Solomon. Their union which had started out as dirty and sinful, was restored and made holy by His grace.

I have fallen many times. I have gotten back up, sometimes I am ashamed of all the mercy and grace I have received from God (ashamed of how much I have needed) - sometimes I feel undeserving. I have been healed, blessed, restored and made holy. I remind myself that I receive this not because of who I am, but because of who He is. I do not deserve it, and yet He loves me more than I can ever comprehend. His Love is unconditional, unfailing and never-ending. I do not have to prove myself to Him, and I can't even do anything in return. But because I've been forgiven so much and I receive so much love, I must give as well.

"Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins." Psalm 51:1

Masks

Every morning when I look in the mirror, I ask the girl staring back at me:
Can you see that I've fallen from grace,
and that this is not my natural face?
She answers that I might be showing at the seams and that another fake smile or maybe money given to a beggar would make me feel a bit better.

Why do we do it? We package ourselves so differently from what we actually are. Any overwhelming emotion tends to be oppressed. We should love - but not to fiercely, hate - but not completely and live - but please not too loud dear.

When all is said and done what do we have left but our stories, yet we always tell our stories with a bit more love than was actually expressed and a bit more hate than was actually conveyed. We need to learn that it might be okay to not be okay and we should just be true to who we are. Say what you need to say even if you fear rejection or failure.

“A human being is nothing but a story wrapped in skin.”
- Fred Allen

We need to live a little, love a lot and laugh even more.

My favorite song...

Oke, maybe not my all time favorite song, but it definitely ranks in the Top 3 (and it has been on repeat for the whole day so far)... The Rose by Bette Midler.

This song is amazing, to describe it in so few words. We all fear to much and take to little chances, but the irony is that even if you don't take any chances what so ever, you will still die. We are afraid to live a little, for fear that if we do we will fail. But failure is a part of life, growing up and learning those lessons again and again. If you have a dream, make it happen.

*Oh, and I was nice enough to provide you with the lyrics to this timeless classic:

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.

Love

Love is a many splendor thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love...

But is it really? Can we live on love alone? And how much love would a person need to satisfy his appetite? Can you love a person too much?

I think that the thing you love the most is the thing you think about most evenings before you go to bed and it's the first thing on your mind the next morning when you wake up... but what happens when that love isn't a mutual feeling?

Can we so ferociously now just love something or someone else tomorrow? Do some of us just love in a more intense way than others?

I believe in loving all people for who they are. I also believe that we should not fall in love too quickly, or at all. But we should rather be lifted up in love... Because to fall is to stumble and I don't think it bears well for the relationship if that's the start of it all...

2013 will be my charity year. 2012 was the year I learnt to be patient in all things, it was a year of changes and long periods sitting and reflecting, and determining who I want to be from here on out. 2011 was my travel year - I had a blast!

May you be lifted up in love!

Missing

With the recent death of a family member, and the birthday of a friend that passed away earlier this year, I started wondering yet again what life could be all about... And if we will ever figure out the reason for all this we have here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if those who have left us aren't sitting up there thinking what idiots we are with the things we spend all of our time on.

We make less time for actual people time and more time for social networking. Some of us have become so wrapped up in the package that we are trying to sell to the world of who we are that we forget to love the person and not the package. We live for ourselves and make connections only when and where it can benefit us.

We do not spend our time wisely for we do not know how. Days are wasted and people slip through the cracks. We care too little and give too little, be it time or love. I love how children can still genuinely pay attention and listen, without being distracted by a phone buzzing or a series in the background.

When do we make time for each other? Time is all we have. You can't ever get a moment back, and some you won't want back. They say you have to live without regrets, I don't think that is possible. There will always be something you think you could have done differently, and somethings you most probably should have done differently, but living with regrets is not half as bad as living without lessons. 

One thing we should all try to do is:

Let all that you do be done in love" 1Cor16:14

Send time with loved ones.