On My Own

So since yesterday approximately 5pm I am officially on my own. I moved into my new flat - it is really pretty by the way! But I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my own. It is something to get used to. Not having someone there in the mornings or after work, having to do all your own cooking and cleaning and not having anyone to complain to about the monsters under my bed...

I have lived kind of on my own while I traveled most of Europe on my own. It was very different as I was in a different country and everything was new everyday, but there I found out that I'm actually in very good company. I'm content with myself. I know I'll be alone now - but that doesn't mean I have to be lonely. I have amazing friends and great neighbors here.

So this morning I woke up to the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I will marry someday and have to figure out how much everything has changed and how things fall into place then. For now though I'll have to figure out what makes me happy, what I want to do with my time and how I want to spend my evenings.

I will discover, explore, appreciate and if I need ice cream to remind me that life is good, I will indulge.

Today

Today, I will hold my head up and be okay. This is my pep talk for today. I will smile even when my face starts cracking. I will even smile at the lady who almost drove into me and then swore at me. I will stand tall and sit upright, with a focus that I do not have today. I will simulate togetherness. Why? 

Because I need to. We need to keep up appearances, see. We can't be broken in a broken world - no one would accept failure, honesty or hurt. No one will love you if you are not perfect. You have to put on your face and keep pushing. My mom used to tell me that the world doesn't stop because of your heartache or pain. Nothing else falls apart, except you. Oh and don't worry, when one thing goes wrong they all tend to spiral.

We have this strange compulsion to being what the world expects us to be. And even if we simulate it all perfectly, we still end up feeling like crap, because it is all just a simulation. Like a character in a fantasy game, or one in Days of Our Lives. Not real.

But what is real? Can we fake an emotion enough times and make it believable, or even real? Can we keep on faking and eventually believe what we've been faking? Can you get so tangled up in the masks you wear daily that you don't know which one isn't a mask?

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne

When will we start admitting that we are all shipwrecks? Of course you pitch up to work and you do what you're supposed to, and you paste a smile on your face cause nobody wants to look at a sour grape, but don't be someone you're not. Still be yourself. Don't simulate a character to live as, you are better than that. You have unique talents, ideas, experiences and thoughts? Contribute!

There's a difference between striving to be better and faking already being better.

Oor Hobbelperde en Hoop

Ek is mal oor hobbelperde, hulle gee 'n oudtydse gevoel aan enige kamer, veral as hulle van 'n goeie hout gemaak is. As ek op ene klim voel ek sommer gou-gou weer soos 'n kind, nie dat ek te lank terug een was nie, en is sommige aspekte is ek nog steeds een.

Die probleem is dat kinders nie kan wag om grootmense te word nie, en dan sodra ons die grootmens verantwoordelikhede kry, dan wens ons weerons kan net op hobbelperde klim en ons grootste probleem sal wees om nie af te val nie (as jy so ver dink)! Ons is dus nooit ten volle teenwoordig in die fase van ons lewens waar ons onsself bevind nie.

Ek het nie te lank gelede afgestudeer nie, en het daarna begin werk, kort daarna my eerste werk verloor, my tassie gepak en gaan toer. Met my toer beplanning was een van my grootste probleme watter griekse eiland lyk na die lekkerste een... Kaarte was my leesstof, en plakkies my hoogste skoene en die wereld was lekker. Daarna het ek met 'n bondel entoesiasme en hope energie begin werk soek. My moed was keer op keer gebreek en 9maande later was ek eers suksesvol (so lank soos ' n swangerskap!!! Dis bitter laaank).

Hierdie is nou weer 'n heel ander fase van my lewe, met hakke en pakke, sykouse en spertye. Daar is baie om te leer, mense om te ontmoet en die stad bied baie feeste en spyskaarte vir elke geleentheid.

En alhoewel dit nie 100% ek is nie, leer ek baie en hou ek steeds bietjie van die meisie met die blom in haar hare wat kaalvoet op die strand rondloop. Ons word so gou groot en vergeet soms om ons beplanning op sy te skuif en net die oomblik te geniet.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment”
-Henry David Thoreau

Liza