My Reality

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk in someone else's shoes? While I sit in traffic in the mornings I do this all the time. This morning I saw a lady sweeping the side walk, I wondered what was going through her mind and what reality she faced. What did she worry about when she woke up in the morning. What she felt as she stood there humbly sweeping the sidewalk.

I realized again I complain too much. I have a good job, friends, family and hobbies. I can afford to express myself creatively and I get to dine out when I feel like it. We seem to be so dissatisfied with our 9-5 jobs, but we forget the person who is begging for one on the street corner. In Afrikaans we have a word that sums it up nicely - onvergenoegd. It is the term used for people like me and you. We are always wanting, always needing more.

Last night my mother called me and told me that the people at the elephant farm is now looking for someone to help them with the elephants (train and facilitate contact with visitors). We know the people and it would have been a perfect fit for me. It would literally be my dream job. 6 months ago I was in town and unemployed. I don't know why she told me this, I've been trying to figure it out, but since 7pm last night I've been looking at my finances and wondering how I can quit my job and take the lower paying job as an elephant trainer and still be able to pay my bills.

I don't think it will be possible. I can't give my car back now and say I made a mistake I don't want it - and I don't think the salary will even cover my payments. I still need to make the payments on my credit card. I've just signed an apartment lease for a year. These were things I thought I needed. I thought I was ready for grown up life, and all the bills and responsibilities that came with it, but it turns out I'm not. Nor will I ever be. I don't want any of this.

It turns out I envy the people who don't have any bills to pay. This sounds sick and horrible, I know. But how I wish that I could just not have these things that I've sold myself into slavery for. I work to pay the bills, which I've created to fill the void. So here I sit silver spoon in my mouth crying over opportunities that I can't grab, because I have too much.

Mr. friendly street vendor friend person, thanks for the flower and the smile this morning. I envy you.