Handle on Life

Yesterday morning I woke up a bit late, I’ll admit, but not as late as I could have. So I got ready, grabbed everything, and did the final dash to my front door. I was just in time but lo and behold life had something else planned for me, see my front door was broken. I couldn't go anywhere, the mechanism that is supposed to move when I turn the handle had broken. I was stuck in my apartment. The first couple of minutes I turned the door handle again and again in utter disbelief but to no avail. After my 5min freak-out which consisted of pulling frantically at the handle and some excessive swearing, I realized that I should handle this. Nobody is going to do it for me, I live on my own now and need to get this sorted. I put down everything I had in my hands and found my phone, I dialed my landlord and explained what Monday morning had treated me to.

He called me back and said that none of my neighbors were home and that he will send someone as soon as possible (which meant about 30min).  So I sat down on my couch and laughed about my situation, then I called my dad and told him about it to which he replied that he’s going to get me a big ax (I don’t think he was joking) so that I could get out in case of emergency.  So I looked around my apartment and realized how boxed in I was, I have no way of getting out. We do it to ourselves though. We shut out everyone and simultaneously shut ourselves in – so that in crisis times we have no way to get out and nowhere to go to, thus we panic.

We tend to make our lives revolve around a particular thing and when our proverbial door handle breaks, we do not know where to go or how to respond. We lose our handle on life. Whether your box is a relationship, a job, a religion or a status, when that one thing that defines who you see yourself as being ceases to work, we fall apart. That boy that you fell in love with who was just holding your hand till he found something better; or you got retrenched from the job you thought you would be doing for the rest of your life; or even worse – they found out that you were feigning being in control. Who do you call to open the box from the other side? To tear down the walls that you so effectively built up? Who runs to your rescue with an ax? 

A couple of weeks ago we had a service at church where everyone was ministered to – the pastor praying for me prayed for a husband for me, the speedy delivery of a godly man. Hey, I am not against marriage and commitment and I would someday love to have someone who shares everything with me and is able to handle my freak-out when the front door does not work. However the way she said it, made it sound as if I could not live my life until I've found a husband, as if I needed someone to sort everything out for me. I believe that we are each a person on our own. One and One makes Two. We are not two halves just waiting to fit. People aren't puzzles. People should be independently together. Just because someone doesn't love you, it doesn't mean you’re not someone. You can be a person on your own. But am I missing the point? Is that why no one came running with an ax yesterday morning? Should I look for someone to take care of me? Should I stay locked up in my tower like a damsel in distress? And hold out for a hero?

Now I have a confession, I am a needy person, I need attention; however I also need my space and to maintain my own perspective, and not rely solely on someone else's. Love (and sometimes just plain lust – or pseudo love) can blind us and turn us into people we never thought we would be again, but that said it also lets you get to know yourself. To what extremes you would go for another person if you cared for them, and had a notion that they cared for you. To what extent you really need another person, and on how little of their love and attention you are willing to carry on. And just how much you can really accomplish on your own.

Would I be better as I or would I be better as an us? And when I meet someone who might be great as an us will there be sparks, butterflies, lightening or just nothing? Will I know, or will I have to find out at the end? They say you only know it's not true love when it is over.

I believe you should be happy on your own and not let your happiness depend on anyone. People are nice to have around, but your inner joy should not be focused on what you get from others. Because people will let you down. Be independent, be brave and be ready for whatever box you're in to someday fall apart or lock you in - you can handle it.

People

Have you ever sat down and thought about the most defining moments in your life so far? It normally isn't the big things that you thought would stand out - like the job you took, or the salary increase you got. It isn't the new neighborhood you moved to, or the car that you bought. These are all material things that have less of an impact on your overall character. It is the little things, that form you as a person, and it mostly involves people.

The people you meet and interact with has a much greater effect on you than you might care to realize. You need people, you were made for people and some people even need you. You have been made strong to be poured out, to live in community and to serve. Some people you’ll meet along your road are distractions others are there to point you in the direction you need to go and some need your direction. But you need to remember that not everyone you meet will finish with you, you might lose some along the way.

Someone had a quote on a social network of some or other a while ago that read: Some people can only stay in your heart and not in your life. That is a very difficult thing for me to put into action. I understand it, I agree with it, but I struggle to cut people out of my life. How do I know who needs to stay and who doesn’t?

How do you know who you need to serve and who is actually distracting you? Who is wasting your time? And also, how do you pour out completely, without losing yourself completely? If you love yourself and then love others as you love yourself, whom do you compromise?

I fear that sometimes the people I try to love, does not need it from me. That they would be far better off without me, or that I would be better off without them. Everyone hurts, has problems and niggles and giggles. Who decides which are real important? Who do you invest your time in and who do you pass on to the next person?

One of my best friends is a very destructive person, towards herself and to me. She seems to have little concept of reality. Every now and again we stop speaking for a while and after a couple of months we rekindle our friendship only for her to promise that she has changed and to apologize for her selfishness. It normally takes a month for her to fall back into her old ways. It hurts me every time, and I’ve lately started wondering if I am enabling her every time I forgive her? Should I now make the cut final? Should I keep on investing my time, energy and emotions?

How do you care for someone who only cares for themselves? But the other extreme is just as difficult – It is very hard to attach worth to someone who does not attach it to themselves. When people are so broken down that you literally have to build them up hug by hug and word for word. That person standing next to the road with his/her sign who looks like they have walked all the mountain roads in life – not for the scenery. People are like eggs, put them in boiling water and they’ll get rock hard, and if you leave them there long enough they will burst.

 "There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves; it is not my nature. My attachments are always excessively strong." - Jane Austen

I wrote most of this post a couple of days ago, I read it again today and changed a couple of things but I also had a realization. You know, one of those aha-moments. Assuming we are all trying to bring glory to our Creator (I try) – would we not want to do as Jesus had done? He had His 12 disciples. Jesus knew that they weren't perfect and also that some of them will betray and hurt Him, but He still invested His time and energy in them. I thus realize that no person is ever a waste of time. Invest yourself. People are eternal investments, even if they don’t end up finishing the race with you, impact as much as you can, where you can. I’m still not sure of all the other answers, but I think that if you see someone broken and you have the ability to help with repairs, you should.

Dissapointment

“Heaven is not a place, and it is not a time. Heaven is being perfect. You will begin to touch heaven, Jonathan, in the moment that you touch perfect speed. And that isn't flying a thousand miles an hour, or a million, or flying at the speed of light. Because any number is a limit, and perfection doesn't have limits. Perfect speed, my son, is being there.”
- Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Disappointment... most of us meet up with it frequently. We are disappointed by many things - lovers, friends and family, but none of those has such a capacity to disappoint us, as we ourselves do. We seem to be more forgiving towards others than to ourselves. We desperately feel the need to be nothing less than perfect.

Have you ever not done something because you fear you will fail? I do it all the time. I know what I need to do to get to where I want to be, but fear of the unknown and fear of failure are my two greatest opponents.

We fear failure because it is not tolerated by society, our parents or our peers. We have the need to succeed, to show them that we are worth their love and time and attention. The problem is that we will fail horribly at some things (actually more often than not) on a daily basis. So why let fear of the unknown hold you back?? Is it to spare you the mockery of not being perfect?

Alanis Morisette has a song that sums it up nicely - Perfect: "We love you, just the way you are, if you're perfect..."

I am facing my fears of rejection and failure one by one, as I have built up a whole list of things that I should do but have always been to scared to do. I might have had bigger dreams than I should have, but that is okay. You sometimes need a little failure to keep you humble.

My dad gave me a book to read at the end of 2012 - Jonathan Livingston Seagull, written by Richard Bach. It is a thin book about a seagull who wishes to fly higher and be more than seagulls are accustomed to being - a true classic. Inspirational and simple. The lessons are as simple and true as you get, be the best you can be, fall down, get back up and always aim higher!

“Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding. Find out what you already know and you will see the way to fly.”
- Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Don't make your dreams little so that little people won't feel threatened.

Perfect

Sometimes is never quite enough

If you're flawless, then you'll win my love

Don't forget to win first place

Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy

Try a little harder

You've got to measure up

And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up

How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up

With everything I do for you

The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl

You've gotta try a little harder

That simply wasn't good enough

To make us proud

I'll live through you

I'll make you what I never was

If you're the best, then maybe so am I

Compared to him compared to her

I'm doing this for your own damn good

You'll make up for what I blew

What's the problem, why are you crying

Be a good boy

Push a little farther now

That wasn't fast enough

To make us happy

We'll love you just the way you are

If you're perfect

On My Own

So since yesterday approximately 5pm I am officially on my own. I moved into my new flat - it is really pretty by the way! But I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my own. It is something to get used to. Not having someone there in the mornings or after work, having to do all your own cooking and cleaning and not having anyone to complain to about the monsters under my bed...

I have lived kind of on my own while I traveled most of Europe on my own. It was very different as I was in a different country and everything was new everyday, but there I found out that I'm actually in very good company. I'm content with myself. I know I'll be alone now - but that doesn't mean I have to be lonely. I have amazing friends and great neighbors here.

So this morning I woke up to the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I will marry someday and have to figure out how much everything has changed and how things fall into place then. For now though I'll have to figure out what makes me happy, what I want to do with my time and how I want to spend my evenings.

I will discover, explore, appreciate and if I need ice cream to remind me that life is good, I will indulge.