Scar-tissue

I realized this weekend just how much I enjoy being on my own. I will be happy on my own. It is not because I truly think I will be a more fulfilled happy person alone, but because I don’t think I am built for things falling apart around me. What if I fell in love, I liked it, started needing it and shaped my life around it and then it all just fell apart. I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of pain. I wouldn't be able to pick myself up and carry on. I am a strong person, but I do not love in halves – I love completely, with all I am in a stupid; ‘I love your music, I’ll cook you breakfast’ kind of way... this type of love creates scars in unexpected places, and those scars never properly heal. We carry them with us everywhere we go and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” - Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

If you keep your expectations from others to a minimum, you won’t be heartbroken and disappointed the whole time. It might sound very morbid, but it is true. If you depend on others you can expect heartache and failure, hell, even if you only depend on yourself, you can expect failure (significantly less though). We’re human, we’re broken and we live by mending, all our scars are road maps and diagrams that explain where we've been and where we are heading. They are lessons that we sometimes have to learn over and over again. We’re stubborn and stupid, hell-bent on surviving. But not only surviving, we want to achieve excellence, and be remembered for what we contributed. And we want to love and be loved back.

We all have enough scar tissue in our hearts to know that we should not simply love, trust or hope, because it hurts like hell. Some of us listen to the diagrams in our hearts. Others completely ignore it. I know that if I love I will get broken more, I avoid caring too much if at all possible, but sometimes it sneaks up on you from behind, and you wake up one morning realizing that you care too much for someone.

How do you now rectify that? How does one stop caring?

Meredith Grey said that losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is; Death ends. This? It could go on forever...