Handle on Life

Yesterday morning I woke up a bit late, I’ll admit, but not as late as I could have. So I got ready, grabbed everything, and did the final dash to my front door. I was just in time but lo and behold life had something else planned for me, see my front door was broken. I couldn't go anywhere, the mechanism that is supposed to move when I turn the handle had broken. I was stuck in my apartment. The first couple of minutes I turned the door handle again and again in utter disbelief but to no avail. After my 5min freak-out which consisted of pulling frantically at the handle and some excessive swearing, I realized that I should handle this. Nobody is going to do it for me, I live on my own now and need to get this sorted. I put down everything I had in my hands and found my phone, I dialed my landlord and explained what Monday morning had treated me to.

He called me back and said that none of my neighbors were home and that he will send someone as soon as possible (which meant about 30min).  So I sat down on my couch and laughed about my situation, then I called my dad and told him about it to which he replied that he’s going to get me a big ax (I don’t think he was joking) so that I could get out in case of emergency.  So I looked around my apartment and realized how boxed in I was, I have no way of getting out. We do it to ourselves though. We shut out everyone and simultaneously shut ourselves in – so that in crisis times we have no way to get out and nowhere to go to, thus we panic.

We tend to make our lives revolve around a particular thing and when our proverbial door handle breaks, we do not know where to go or how to respond. We lose our handle on life. Whether your box is a relationship, a job, a religion or a status, when that one thing that defines who you see yourself as being ceases to work, we fall apart. That boy that you fell in love with who was just holding your hand till he found something better; or you got retrenched from the job you thought you would be doing for the rest of your life; or even worse – they found out that you were feigning being in control. Who do you call to open the box from the other side? To tear down the walls that you so effectively built up? Who runs to your rescue with an ax? 

A couple of weeks ago we had a service at church where everyone was ministered to – the pastor praying for me prayed for a husband for me, the speedy delivery of a godly man. Hey, I am not against marriage and commitment and I would someday love to have someone who shares everything with me and is able to handle my freak-out when the front door does not work. However the way she said it, made it sound as if I could not live my life until I've found a husband, as if I needed someone to sort everything out for me. I believe that we are each a person on our own. One and One makes Two. We are not two halves just waiting to fit. People aren't puzzles. People should be independently together. Just because someone doesn't love you, it doesn't mean you’re not someone. You can be a person on your own. But am I missing the point? Is that why no one came running with an ax yesterday morning? Should I look for someone to take care of me? Should I stay locked up in my tower like a damsel in distress? And hold out for a hero?

Now I have a confession, I am a needy person, I need attention; however I also need my space and to maintain my own perspective, and not rely solely on someone else's. Love (and sometimes just plain lust – or pseudo love) can blind us and turn us into people we never thought we would be again, but that said it also lets you get to know yourself. To what extremes you would go for another person if you cared for them, and had a notion that they cared for you. To what extent you really need another person, and on how little of their love and attention you are willing to carry on. And just how much you can really accomplish on your own.

Would I be better as I or would I be better as an us? And when I meet someone who might be great as an us will there be sparks, butterflies, lightening or just nothing? Will I know, or will I have to find out at the end? They say you only know it's not true love when it is over.

I believe you should be happy on your own and not let your happiness depend on anyone. People are nice to have around, but your inner joy should not be focused on what you get from others. Because people will let you down. Be independent, be brave and be ready for whatever box you're in to someday fall apart or lock you in - you can handle it.